i don't plan on having that self control this summer
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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