o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
