I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
