May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
