Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
