honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
There's a naked man in my car right now.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Randomize
