Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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