I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
