I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Randomize
