my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
