You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
You are the jesus of drinking
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
