I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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