You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
