i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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