it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I pour the whiskey from now on
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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