Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Randomize
