Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
