The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
we should paint friendship bongs
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