go do what you do best...puke behind churches
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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