Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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