my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
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