dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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