It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
