Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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