My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize