gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
