What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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