A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
