wrigley field is MILF paradise
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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