Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
