Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
