if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
