exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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