Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.