Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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