Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
