he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
