hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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