Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
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