yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
My ass is underappreciated
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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