I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
even my farts smell like vagina
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
