I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
