Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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