Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
vagina is talking i cant
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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