A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
