My hand turned me down
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
