I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
