he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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