My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
