we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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