Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
