my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
